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Quality time together often means time that's not distracted time. One of the biggest distractors in today's day and age is our technology - our devices. When we have our phones with us, even if we're not looking at our phones, they actually can be a source of distraction because they're still in our field of awareness. We still might be recognizing whether alerts are coming up, notifications are coming up, calls are coming through, and so a portion of our attention is still focused on our devices and not on the person in front of us. So if our intention is really to spend quality time with our partners, that means undivided attention. That means putting our devices away.
Quality time together often means time that's not distracted time. One of the biggest distractors in today's day and age is our technology - our devices. When we have our phones with us, even if we're not looking at our phones, they actually can be a source of distraction because they're still in our field of awareness. We still might be recognizing whether alerts are coming up, notifications are coming up, calls are coming through, and so a portion of our attention is still focused on our devices and not on the person in front of us. So if our intention is really to spend quality time with our partners, that means undivided attention. That means putting our devices away.
Laughter is such an important part of any healthy longterm relationship. Oftentimes we can get so burdened or overwhelmed by day-to-day life. We all feel stressed, we can get preoccupied with our concerns, and we forget to actually just relax and enjoy the playful moments that arise with our partners. At the end of the day, the purpose of any healthy longterm relationship is really to just have fun together and enjoy our time together, so it can be really helpful to make it a point to not take ourselves so seriously - not take our partners so seriously - and just really enjoy our time laughing together.
So how do we actually build trust in our relationships? We know that trust is important, but oftentimes we don't know what we need to do in order to actually build trust. The first thing that I like to talk to my patients about is integrity. So when we tell our partners that we're going to do something or we make a promise, it's important to follow through on the things that we say that we're going to do. Living with integrity, speaking with integrity is an important first step in building trust in any relationship. And the second thing is apologizing or acknowledging when we haven't done that. So for example, if we've made a mistake, if we've done something that's harmed the other person - acknowledging that we've made that mistake, apologizing to our partners for doing so, even if it was unintentional and acknowledging any hurt or harm that we might have caused our partners is the second important step in maintaining trust in any relationship.
A question that I commonly get asked by my patients is: how do I build a healthy relationship? Oftentimes, people are referring to their relationships with their partners. I think that there are four key steps to building healthy relationships. The first is trust. It's difficult to build any healthy, meaningful, sustainable relationship without a foundation of trust. The second is practicing healthy communication. This refers to how we communicate our concerns to our partners, how we listen to our partners, how we give and receive affection. And this is a critical component of being sustainable in our relationships. The third one is laughter. Oftentimes we can fall into the trap of taking ourselves really seriously or taking our partners really seriously and we forget to laugh. Laughing with your partner, having fun, enjoying those spontaneous moments is a critical part of maintaining a longterm, healthy relationship. And the last thing is making it a priority to spend time with one another. Oftentimes we get so busy, caught up in day-to-day life that we don't prioritize spending time with our partners and it's difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without dedicating time to one.
A paradox that I often talk about with my patients is that healthy relationships are often one of the biggest contributors to our sense of mental health and emotional wellbeing, and yet oftentimes what we find ourselves doing is actually taking our relationships for granted. So it can be really important to recognize that if our relationships are meaningful to us, we have to prioritize and make time for them. This can look different for every couple. Some couples might just require a 10 or 15 minute check in at the end of the day. Other couples might enjoy a once a week date night, and some couples might take a yearly trip together. What works for every couple is different, but the principle of prioritizing our relationships when that's what's most important for our overall sense of wellbeing is really important.
Healthy communication looks different for every couple. I think the most important step when we think about how to communicate in a healthy, assertive, compassionate manner with our partners is our intention. What is the intention behind our communication? Are we looking to express our feelings? Are we looking to get something off our chest and vent? Are we looking to really listen to the other person and hear what they have to say? Are we looking to build trust after the relationship has been disrupted? Really becoming clear on what the intention behind the communication is is the most important step, and then recognizing how we actually need to make that communication happen.
Oftentimes a question that arises is how we show our care for our spouses - how we actually communicate how our spouses or partners are to us. For some people, it can be verbally. For others, it can be actions - like actually helping out with doing the dishes or cleaning the house. For others, it can be physical. We all have different love languages that we use. The most important thing is to be clear about the love language that one partner has and that another partner has. For example, if one partner wants to show that they care, they have to do it in the language that the other understands. If that's not possible, we have to communicate about that. Oftentimes, for example, one partner might call when the other is busy or at work in meetings and unable to answer the phone and if their partner can't pick up the phone, their feelings get hurt. In these situations, it's important for there to be healthy and open communication and for the partner to say "this doesn't mean that I don't love you, that I don't care about you - it simply means that at the moment I'm occupied and unable to get to my phone but as soon as I'm able to, I will."
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